Do You Really Want Casual Play?

Do You Really Want Casual Play?

I’ve been mulling over writing on this topic for some time. I have no intention of ever telling another person who to sleep with and how. There’s enough shame in the world around casual sex and play that I’m not about to add to it.

I’m also speaking from experience. I have casual submissives. Now, yes, you’d be right to wonder how that works. D/s is not something to pick up and put down whenever you want, right? Well, I’d say that’s wrong. If I choose how to frame my D/s dynamics, which involves minimal commitment to long term relationship goals, and it’s what we both/all want, then yes I can play with who I want, how I want, when I want. That is my sexual liberation.

Having said that, D/s (and any other intense) relationships take time and effort, an openness and understanding that goes beyond regular relationship. If you’re making decisions on behalf of someone else in power exchange, you best know that you’re both 100% happy with the arrangement and consenting. BDSM without consent is abuse.

The way I see it, casual play dynamics comes with certain caveats:

  1. It’s different to one night stands and pick up play. Those encounters are typically with people you don’t know. Casual relationships are between people that take their time to know each other.
  2. To me, developing a casual relationship is still a relationship – that exists between two people who do not hold high commitment expectations towards each other.
  3. You’ve got to be really honest about your intentions in the dynamic. You can’t say “casual is fine by me” and then hope it’ll develop into a more romantic and committed relationship.
  4. Casual relationships can still be meaningful. Mine certainly are. You will grow in closeness and intimacy, even if it doesn’t develop into anything “serious”. Casual relationships last because and when there it the utmost respect towards each other.
  5. You still need to do the hard work of getting to know each other to make sure that you’re on the same page and happy with the arrangement. Life changes, needs changes, like any relationship. Casual relationships are not short cuts.
  6. You need to accept and be completely happy that people are far more likely to prioritise other relationships, where there is a degree of commitment, over you.
  7. Conversely, such dynamics give you so much flexibility in when and how you play. It’s really really easy to say no to a date because well, it doesn’t matter that much…. But, if they get irritated by that, then I’d suggest they may be using you for when they want not when you both want it.
  8. You need to be weary of people wanting casual because they don’t want their committed partners knowing they’re kinky or cheating. If they’re not honest with their partners, they will not be honest with you.

As more events are opening up, we will have a lot of opportunities of play coming our way, with new people and old friends. During lockdown people will have had to hold in their needs and are desperate to scratch their itch. And there will be a lot of newbies needing guidance, and to some extent protection from those people we know aren’t safe. There is a frenzy feeling is some spaces that we need to embrace but with a degree of caution, not forgetting the importance of health and safety in kink.

So, as we meet new people ask yourself, do you really want casual play? Or perhaps you’re looking for a more committed relationship? Or one off play to scratch an itch or explore a new kink? Whatever you choose to do, be honest with yourself and those you approach. Hearts break a lot softer that way, too

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