Negotiations and Consent Violations

Negotiations and Consent Violations

Here I’m discussing what a consent violation is, and when it’s not happened.

For a consent violation to occur just ONE of the following established negotiation requirements is normally missed out. Otherwise, no, it wasn’t a consent violation…

  1. You know each other and have established effective communication in your negotiations. It is open and honest. You’ve discussed what you’re going to be doing. Communication is therefore maintained through the play/dynamic experience and respected.
  2. You spent time discussing boundaries, what they mean, how you’d like to “play” within both of your’s agreed limits. Nothing occurs outside of these boundaries.
  3. You’ve discussed ways to give and withdraw consent, verbal and nonverbal. It’s understood to be ongoing and re-negotiable at every stage. You safe word and it was listened to immediately and fully respected.
  4. You’ve only touched/been touched in a way that has been explicitly agreed.
  5. You’ve only spoken with each other in a way that has been explicitly agreed.
  6. When spaced out or in primal feelings, you at no point had those boundaries questioned. No new play was introduced. You were not taken advantage of.
  7. Aftercare was discussed and carried out as agreed.
  8. Participants and onlookers are made fully aware to you, no one just joins in because they’ve been invited to by the person you’re playing with.
  9. All recordings made are discussed beforehand and handled according to those agreements. Issues around confidentiality are respected.
  10. All health issues, physical and mental, are made aware and should such issues arise, they are met accordingly. Meaning, no one waited to get their emergency medication or neglected in a panic attack, or similar.

Therefore, all those requirements met:

Changing your mind afterwards, deciding that the play wasn’t what you thought it would be, is not a consent violation. It’s something you tried and learned from. Own the learning.

Hoping to engage in play with someone expecting them to become your Dom/sub/partner/whatever is not ok. It’s not acceptable to scream consent violation because they’ve decided they don’t want to play with you anymore.


If someone accuses you of a consent violation, and you look down that list and find one was missing, you really need to get your head straight and change your practice IMMEDIATELY. You have caused harm. The person accusing you may need lots of time, space and support to recover. What we do isn’t a game of noughts and crosses (tic tac toe). So, OWN YOUR MISTAKES, and don’t complain.

Equally, if you feel violated by someone, please use that list to ascertain how suitable that partner was, how open they were to discussing the process, and make sure YOU do everything you can to arm yourself next time. Sometimes people take advantage of our eagerness and naiivity, if we’re not fully aware of how BDSM is safely practiced. Seek help and support from friends and support services. No one has the right to your body without explicit consent. You deserve better.

Dea Nexa

Additional resource (23/2/2020)

I’m adding a simple flow chart that breaks down step by step questions you can ask yourself when things go wrong.

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