Advice - Your Rope

No, I Won’t Tie You!

I sure as hell won’t suspend you! I get strangers asking me this all the time. People I’ve met maybe once, if at all, messaged a few times. They love my profiles, enjoy my writings, adore my blog, want to be the person in my photos. They take the bold step of asking me, because asking is a vulnerable position for a rope bottom to be in. But I say no. Always.

There was a time I was less discerning. There was a time I’d say, sure let’s meet at an event and see if we vibe right. I was naiive. People lie. People manipulate. People use people. There are still people that have wronged me using my photos of my rope on them to promote themselves. They were special moments. I’m not that bothered. But they do remind me of a time when I trusted too easily.

Rope is edge play. It’s extremely risky. Few people know and respect those risks. I run in person classes in my area to counteract the prevalent ignorance of safety in rope. So, when a stranger or someone I barely know offers to do rope with me, I see it as a huge red flag:

1. They don’t know me. My online presence isn’t me. They don’t know my risk profile. Not one has ever asked about that, alarmingly. So, I have no reassurance that they can meet my health and safety needs. I have no idea if they respect my journey and where I am on my rope journey. It’s funny what people assume.

2. I don’t know them. I don’t know their journey. I don’t know their aspirations. I don’t know their intentions. Whatever they are saying has too often been to get in my rope by any means necessary, lying or deceiving me. I don’t know their body in rope, what works and doesn’t, and if I could compound an injury they already have. I very rarely have a conversation around their risk profile, because most people in my area don’t write one. I can’t work from a place of ignorance.

3. People watch too much porn or stereotypical scenes. They have come to me with little working knowledge of developing rope scenes and all the damned hard work that goes into it. They are driven by fantasy, not reality, more often than not. They want something other people have, rather than taking the time to figure out who they are and what they want – which are far more important and meaningful.

4. The kink community is as toxic as the wider world. There is racism, misogyny, transphobia, and many other hateful attitudes out there. As a queer person of colour, with complex disabilities, people’s prejudices affect me personally. I’m struggling to recall how many people have taken the time to ask me about my identity before we tie, if we had honest and open conversations about discrimination beyond the discussions on online platforms. I have learnt to take this shortcomings much more seriously. My rope is as much a part of me as other characteristics are.

5. People assume I’m safe. I have a somewhat strong online presence. I curate my image as ethically and professionally as possible. That does not make me safe. It makes me social media savvy. There’s something very unsettling about that assumption. The internet is its own reality. But real life is a very different entity.

Yes, there are (typically cis-het older white men) people that will snap up any young new person, especially if they are a woman or present enough that way. And if that’s the risk people want to take, so be it. Is it ethical? Perhaps. Is it steeped in society’s damaging privileges? Yes. Do we have to only experience rope within that confined reality? No, definitely not.

So, dear readers, take your time in finding people to tie. Being thirsty and frenzied is not a good starting point. Be still a while, connect with your inner sense of self. Go to classes, meet and discuss different perspectives. Learn about your body and mind in rope. Learn how consent works and different negotiation tools. Then, maybe then, I might just think about tying you.

4 replies on “No, I Won’t Tie You!”

Absolutely spot on. I should be more explicit with people who just expect a rope service, and also saying no. I always say to new people to come to a mutual safe space too. I always tell newbies what to look for but they have more fantasies than look at the risks. Thank you for a lovely consice article.

Thank you for your kind words! Yes, people need a reality check and to not treat riggers like free rope service providers. There are so many risks, rope should not be taken lightly.

Hi Deanexa,

I appreciated heavily in reading your blog. Let me first say I know very little about rope and have just sampled it here and on fet, so not really averse at all in it.

However I have other kinks which I’m much more fond of and it’s really hard to find someone who enjoys them rather then just acting them out to satisfy, or possible partners who say this is that in chats, only to meet and have it not work out the way I imagined.

I think this is the inevitable brick wall of online versus reality which is the message that really hit home with me.

As you mentioned, people (including me) have watched a lot of porn and presume that wow that must equal real life, but it mostly does not. For example real life dominance doesn’t equate to porn in my experience. After the scene, we go back to our jobs and home life just like everyone else. It can get dry, be a grind, or feel empty like other vanilla relationships.

I’m not saying their behavior is okay. Speaking somewhat from the repressed, they may not have a lot of option in feeling safe and secure to be transparent to people.

Which brings me to my final point which was also yours. I struggle with the get out and meet people thing for so many reasons.

1. fear. As a sub bi cis male, who also enjoys CD, its so hard to imagine meeting people like me. What if I sound like a dick, what if I creep them out? Also, past traumas, what if they scare people away? I’ve seen too many people leave, it’s painful.

2. I’m so used to butching myself up, it’s all I know. Which is partly why a professional femdom may be perfect. She’s averse, experienced, non judgemental, but above all else she or I can terminate the exchange without any fear of guilt shame or abandonment. No damage caused!

I kind of took your points which were from the dominants side in respect to rope, and applied the perspective of a sub to a different kink. I hope this wasn’t out of context with your points.

Which brings me to, when subs I think feel closeted have little peer support, they tend to fall deeper into their despair. In my case, I turn to master bastion and these fantasies go on. So it starts to feel as though I’m stuck. I know deep down I want a different set of friends, but don’t know if I have the strength to seek them out.

So for people like me who have had these fantasies, when the opportunity is finally there it is very easy to be overzealous and want to move too quickly, which may be happening here? As you mentioned there are and will always be manipulation and people trying to control or eek whatever they can out of more naive people. It’s so important to notice and protect those so they don’t fall into a pattern of being abused. Sadly many circles associate bdsm with criminal desires. It’s so important to say no, we don’t abuse, we’re not okay with predators, rape, etc.

Thank you for your comment. A few points:
1. Power exchange doesn’t, and often isn’t, a prerequisite for rope play. That’s a huge myth. Rope can be many different things
2. If people lack self-worth confidence, they need to work on that with a coach or therapist. Whatever your relationship preferences, being able to communicate with others is fundamental.
3. Some people will like you. Some won’t. How other people are is not under your control. Find better people, should you be rejected. Rejection is a (sad) part of life.
4. Meeting like minded people is the only way to find acceptance and learn hoe real world kinks happen. You just have to bite the bullet and go fir it. You’ll be surprised how warm and welcoming some spaces are.
5. Yes, you will find the same errat of troublesome people at kink events as in the wider world. So go slow when meeting people. Connect as friends with no expectations for any more. You are not entitled to anything from anyone.

I hope that helps.

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