This Is Me Coming Out

This Is Me Coming Out

I am queer. I wish that is all I had to say on the matter, but it can’t be. I know there will a hundred questions from different people. I know I will face ridicule even in kink spaces for saying that. Because up until now, I have hidden fully behind the heterosexual label and the privilege that it holds. Because I can. I was wrong; it was what I knew.

But that is not me. Nor has it been me since I was about 12 when I was first attracted to someone of the same sex and gender. I grew up in 80s Britain where homophobia was normal, in a family that expected me to marry to traditional cultural norms. I suffered abuse that perpetuated the hatred of this part of me, and only now that person is in prison for what he did to me, can I finally lift that shame and the complexities around it.

I am a Muslim. I love my God, the Quran and the Prophet Muhammad. The peace Islam has given me, the strength to pursue my personal growth is truly undeniable. It has literally saved my life and sanity at times. Messed up though modern interpretations are of my(/all) religion(s), my faith is strong and I feel closer to God more now than ever before as I come out to you all today.

But I live in fear from those in the Muslim community that would have me dead. I live with the burden that this will mean to my family. Over the last decade, I have distanced myself from religious institutions because I know the hatred they have towards people like me. I was that way once myself. It’s really ugly. My body and mind is truly hated by so many people. So I kept it hidden. And I’m scared of the consequences of my coming out from less accepting folk knowing this part of me. This is hard. Really hard.

@NookieNotes recently posted a writing and video on queerness, saying the act of asking if you’re queer enough is a strong indicator of queerness. Just what I needed to hear. The same day last weekend my Pride Month scarf arrived for work (I’m very privileged with where I work). The same day I saw my same sex crush I had two years ago on Instagram. And I couldn’t deny myself anymore. I came out to the same person that came out to me last year. And then a few other friends. And I feel relieved. Thank you all for your kind words of support, it really means a lot. You know who you are. 💞

I say queer, because I’m far too early on in my self acceptance to know where I lie. I know I’m sexually attracted to a certain type of man and a certain type of woman. I have meaningful non sexual kink relationships indiscriminate of gender. I am a dominant which goes against the patriarchy. I am brown and proud. Queer is the best label for me.

I am working on understanding the intersections of what my queerness is. I may “look normal” by gender and sexual orientation but I am not. I need to work on if and how my gender and orientation expressions will comfortably exist. My lack of whiteness is hated, no matter how much I try to be what the Eurocentric patriarchy want. I’m working on my internalised homophobia, I have been for a significant amount of time.

But most importantly, I need to figure out how on earth this all fits into my pursuit of a loving relationship. I know it will not be normal, because I am not, and I’d genuinely hate to go back there. As I grow in self love, I hope that will attract a similar energy in a partner. Who know what will happen…

I am happy. That is what matters. I harm no one, and show love as best I can. What else is there?

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