Advice - Relationships

When (Vanilla) Poly People Seek Kink

I wrote a status update a couple of days ago on social media, a thought about how vanilla people don’t understand that kink relationships are still relationships. They are. My relationships with my partners vary HUGELY, but they are meaningful to me in different ways. I’m poly and kinky, which isn’t vanilla at all!

So, imagine, if you will, a loving vanilla couple that have hit a rough patch because they realise their needs are not being met in their relationship. They decide to open… Sometimes to save their relationship, which of a whole other level of confusion. But for the sake of this thought exercise, say one has a fetish…

Scenario 1:

Partner A has a need but never tells Partner B and so suffers in silence indefinitely.

Scenario 2:

Partner A: I want x
Partner B: No way!

Partner A feels they shouldn’t have asked, because Partner B feels betrayed by this information. Uneasy rift exists. Communication is key to resolving this.

Scenario 3:

A: I want x
B: oh really, I was thinking the same thing, let’s do it!

Lucky A!

Scenario 4:

A: I want x
B: not my thing, but could try y?

The compromise may or may not work. So communication is key.

Scenario 5:

A: I want x
B: Not my thing, but find someone else that might give it to you

A goes to events or sets up a dating profile seeking kink. Kink community says : go to a pro. A feels they shouldn’t have to pay, so complains. Needs not met.

Problem here is they haven’t done the relationship bit. They haven’t made friends and gone to classes. They are thinking with their fantasies. Kinksters feel this a mile off and know that they need to build trust and communication, to actually like the person before things can develop.

Scenario 6:

A: I want x
B: I can’t give you that, find someone else that can.

A goes off and starts connecting with other people to learn about how to manage their fantasies and kink. They learn about health and safety. They learn about consent and negotiations. They slowly make friends. Then one day, months later, or longer, they meet someone special C that they know B would be fine with too. Things develop and A, B and C do the work of meeting each other’s kink and relationship needs.

Moral of the story is…

  • Don’t think kinky people just want kink in a vacuum
  • If you are vanilla and have a partner wanting kink, please don’t think we dish out kinks like fetish dispensers and not want others things too.
  • Don’t stay in relationships if you can’t get your needs met. Needs. Not fantasies. Learn the difference.
  • All relationships have a degree of sacrifice and negotiating. Decide what you can comfortably live with.

Your thoughts?

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