You Don’t Necessarily Need D/s

You Don’t Necessarily Need D/s

I’m not entirely sure why people are quick to adopt the titles of dominant or submissive, but D/s isn’t necessarily necessary. In most cases I’d say it’s entirely unnecessary, in fact.

At a guess, I’d blame popular and porn representations of the BDSM lifestyle. I still cringe at 50 shades of sick, can’t watch Femdom porn without laughing at it. Because they’re not real to dominants like me, nor submissives neither. There is a clear distinction between the day to day reality of a D/s, F/s or M/s dynamics (or any other variant) and those that seek kinky titillation to get off with. Which is fine, but I wouldn’t call it D/s.

The main blurry myths I see on here and at events, can be remedied with the following reflections:

  1. D/s isn’t necessarily about age play. Daddy Dom and baby girl is all over porn sites these days. Yet, I came across a dominant on here that’s a little. Her partner is a daddy and submissive. Reflect on that for a minute. Yes, you can be a little and be in charge. You can be a daddy and submit. You can be who you are.
  2. People into BDSM are generally more aware of the distinction between topping/bottoming and D/s. You don’t have to be submissive to get hit – you can just ask someone you trust to do it and tell them exactly how, where and when. Equally, you don’t have to be a dominant to hit people – you can even service top as a submissive, if that’s what your dominant requires of you. Ultimately, you don’t have to engage in power play to engage in S&M.
  3. Dominance doesn’t make you more manly. Submission doesn’t make you more womanly. You only have to look at the variety of female dominants and male submissives to know D/s (/F/s) has nothing to do with gender, not necessarily. In fact, I find such an assumption highly misogynistic, creating toxicity in what it means to be a man. We’re all different. All of us. Gender stereotypes don’t help in this context. D/s is not gender specific.
  4. People make money through D/s. Findom/sub is a thing many people enjoy. But you don’t have to be a dominant to be paid to do stuff – in reality, that can be far from being dominant. You don’t have to be a submissive to give people money for favours/services. You might like framing your experience in that way to get your fix, which is fine. You can be a prodom(-me) or pro-sub, if you like. But findom relationships are not actually about the money, not if the focus is D/s rather than getting your kink.

With all those myths busted, what is dominance and submission?

It’s about power. Control. Authority. It’s about an exchange, where one person can make decisions on behalf of their chosen partner, following building a trusting relationship and establishing consent and boundaries. That takes time and lots of careful consideration. It’s not something to jump into lightly. It doesn’t have to involve any kink at all, or it can be just kink. It’s entirely up to the participants to decide what, where and how they can express that deeply held part of themselves amicably. It’s really very beautiful when it happens. It allows an acceptance of one another’s true selves. It flows naturally and intrinsically – without undue influence from popular porn culture because we know that’s not real. And it’s certainly unnecessary.

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