Advice - Your Rope

Your Age Doesn’t Make You Safe

Ageism isn’t acceptable.

  • If you meet someone and they say “I’ve been doing this for years/decades”, that doesn’t mean they’re safe.
  • If you meet an older kinkster and they say “My age means I have better life experience!” they’re not necessarily safe.
  • If you meet someone and they say “You’re better off with us younger people, the older ones are too creepy!” they’re not safe.
  • If you meet someone that says “I’ve got loads of amazing toys I play with!” with photos on their profile, it doesn’t mean they know how to use them safely.
  • If you meet someone and they say “Everyone knows I’m safe!” then that’s not even possible for them to know, so they probably aren’t safe.
  • If you meet someone and they say “I’ve read lots of books about BDSM!” even quoting bits verbatim, that doesn’t mean they understand what they’re talking about.
  • If you meet someone that says “I’m safe, I run this/these event(s)” that doesn’t mean they know all the ins and outs of BDSM.

In reality, these declarations are manipulative. Using ageism is a red flag, in my books. Someone experienced and knowledgeable doesn’t need to go around flaunting it arrogantly. Only insecure and manipulative people do that. Besides, within their age and experience does not necessarily lie wisdom and understanding. People can talk the talk, but not walk the walk.

New people are vulnerable, whatever their age. Their over-excitedness means they want play, like a kid walking into their first sweet shop. Predators will use “age and experience” to manipulate them, not respecting their need to go slow and learn gradually, but rather “educate” on how things should be done their way. Taking on someone new requires lots of patience and reflection on just how safe the new person is in terms of their understanding of consent and safety. New people can be dangerous too, and that needs to be factored in.

Anyone can be unsafe. I write this as an “older and experienced” person on my scene. Your age and experience isn’t what makes you safer, it’s your attitude that does:

  1. Are you willing to own your mistakes?
  2. Do you do your utmost to respect and not invade another person’s boundaries?
  3. Do you understand you’re going to be learning this shit for decades to come? Because you never really master any skill, in my opinion, not really.
  4. Do you accept people of different ages can teach you different things, because it’s not about age?

Assuming age and experience, at whatever level, makes someone safe only provides a false sense of security. Only knowing your boundaries and how to enforce them makes you safe.

Just my opinion.

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