I recently came across a post about a significant safety issue in the rope community. A seller sold/sells unrated rigging equipment. The equipment failed causing serious injury to a user. The subsequent lack of apology has rippled across social media. I wanted to share my thoughts on what I perceive is happening in our community, and suggest what we need to do differently.
I think we rely too much on reputation. We go to events and surf the internet and social media like this site, seeking knowledge and advice on our kink journeys. We come across flashy websites and profiles and place a certain amount of trust in the content creators. We can be so impressed by the images and the care and attention to what we see, especially when we are new, that we take people at their word and believe the hype.
We then part with cash, seek social or online interactions with those people, and may even want to play with them. We seem to think that we will be seen as more respected and legitimate when we play with prominent people, increasing our own presence and reputation in the community.
Why do we do thatIn
my experience, this is a mistake. As someone who has worked professionally in the field of domestic violence and in crisis care, I’m acutely aware of the power dynamics that exist in our community. I, myself, have had people throw themselves at me, wanting to be associated with my profile. I have learned to not allow those sorts of dynamics to exist. I want people to want to be with me, not the online/events persona I project. It takes time and effort to build trust and communication. We need to take time to get to know people before we trust them.
I know of prominent, well established people running events and selling gear, who have a history of unsafe practices and consent violations. Such people can have their own network of supporters who will happily provide references and vouch for the abuser. They may disappear for a while, or move to new territory, taking the flash photos and content with them to keep the “fresh meat” (as I’ve heard two such people refer to new partners) supply chain going. We should be careful who we trust, especially in something as risky as rope. When we play, we need to inform ourselves and remember the risks.
New people without the background in physics and engineering, anatomy and physiology (like me) rely on best practice advice from those that do have that knowledge. I have relied on professionals in medical, climbing, aerial arts skills to keep myself informed. We need to take self education seriously. I run my own classes to teach foundations, because it is so important to get these themes right.I’ve been criticised in the past for being outspoken about issues around safety and consent, my main areas of work in our community (along with inclusivity). Some people feel attacked when criticism comes their way, and rather than own the mistake, they double down, worried about their own reputation and/or potential legal and/or financial consequences. But at the end of the day we have to park out egos at the door and accept criticism and feedback. Even if it isn’t something we don’t need to action on. We also need to take seriously responsibility as educators and merchandisers of our teaching resources and equipment, seeking knowledge and updating our skills as we go.
So, you see, what we do carries physical and psychological risks that we must seek to mitigate. We need to reflect on our practice and how we engaged in kink with other people, especially around issues of consent and power exchange. And we should remember this is fun, so long as you’re careful.
Dea Nexa
This writing is not a critique of any individual person or organisation. It is my opinion based on my experience and reflective practice. Please seek appropriate medical and/or therapy if any issues come up for you.