“They’re Crazy. I Had to Break Up With Them” Is A Red Flag.

Occasionally, there is scene drama and someone is accusing someone of abuse. And then the other person says they are the victim. So, people don’t know what to do and keep quiet. And the abuser gets away with it, again. It’s not good enough…

Something to consider is that an abuser will shift blame and quite often blame the other person’s mental health. But if they said the same thing about a physical disability, you’d not accept it. “I broke up with them because they can’t walk” sounds awful doesn’t it. Equally, saying “I broke up with them because they have anxiety/depression/bipolar disorder/whatever mental health condition”, for some reason we accept far more readily. We shouldn’t.

If your partner can’t walk and you’re not willing to adjust your behavior to meet a partner’s needs, then please stay in your ableist lane. If someone has an episode or flare of their mental health condition, and you are not willing to learn how to support your partner, then stay in your able bodied lane and get out of the way. It’s tough being disabled and when people close to us treat us like there’s something wrong with us.

By choosing a relationship or to play with someone living with a mental health condition or any disability, you have to take responsibility for your actions.

Tips:

• You cannot tell a person in a wheelchair to “just walk”. Likewise, you can’t tell someone depressed to “just snap out of it”.
• You shouldn’t try to fix them, either, because it shows a lack of respect and acceptance of the mental health condition they are living with.
• You need to find credible mental health resources to support your partner, including speaking to professionals for advice.
• Do not blame them for their mental health condition and symptoms. Just like you can’t blame someone with a broken leg for not walking, don’t blame your partner when they can’t get out of bed or become emotionally overwhelmed.

So, you see, when someone blames their ex for a break up because of their mental health, notice what they are really saying: at best, they couldn’t handle the responsibility of a relationship, or at worst, they were abusive and caused the episodes for their own amusement.

It’s a constant battle, learning to live with a disability in an ableist world that belittles and blames us. Being disabled has a lot of vulnerability attached to it and we are soft targets for abusers to prey on. They will say what they need to win trust, and later try to force their view on their partners, minimizing and gaslighting the experience of their partners. There is no maturity or respect in their world view.

For reference, a decent person would instead say, “I was unable to support my partner in a way they deserved and needed to leave the relationship.”

I’m writing as a disabled person. I’m writing as a person in the kink community who sees abusers get away with heinous crimes and abuse because of the inaction of others. I see event hosts happily go along with ableist narratives that the accuser is crazy so won’t listen to them.

As a community, we need to examine our mental health ableism much more closely.

Dea Nexa

This writing is a personal reflection and not a critique of any particular individual or organisation.

Image is a self suspension by Dea Nexa with a rope hip harness, double column tie to the ankles and accessible upline set up.