Advice - Relationships

Why Some Newcomers Don’t Get To Tie With Others.

If you’re new (I’m suggesting on your local scene for less than 6-12 months?) it’s really difficult to find rope partners. Like unbelievably so. Genuine ones, not clinical psychopaths – which is significant as you’ll see in due course. It’s kinda like getting your first job, you think; once you’ve got some experience you’ll land yourself the perfect rope relationship. You need experience in rope, you think, to be taken seriously and find someone, but getting that experience normally means you need a rope relationship. You may feel stuck.

That isn’t actually how it works.

Reasons you may be finding it difficult to find what you want:

  1. Rope relationships aren’t like jobs. People will tie with you because they feel some sort of connection to you. They like you, and the things you say and do aligns with what they are seeking. If they don’t, it’s because the connection isn’t there. Experience does help with some people, because it means you’ve already digested the reality of rope play and relationships, but actually most people want to know you’ll be respectful of their boundaries and can handle the emotional roller coaster that is rope, communicating effectively along the way. So, treat people as people.
  2. If you’re new, you’re not thinking straight. Sorry, but it’s true. You’re in a frenzy, which means you’re like a child in a sweet shop wanting to try everything in one go, with whomsoever says they’ll do it and has a decent public profile. And you may even think you’re entitled to rope, WHICH YOU ARE NOT! For the vast majority of people, being approached or contacted by you requesting rope won’t like it, because you’re not seeing them as a person with many facets to their personality. It’s hard to tell how well you understand what’s going on around you and how well you understand how to play safe. Your frenzy makes you unsafe, so take your time.
  3. Your overenthusiastic excitement makes you easy prey to the narcasist and psychopath (which is not a good thing, no matter what your fantasies are). An abuser can spot you a mile off just like the rest of us. They take your brave openness, recite safe practices from books and blogs, can often have really polished social media profiles with lots of influential friends (because that’s what they know works) to look worth taking risks and ignoring your gut instinct over. They do not have your best interest at heart. Your gut instinct is your best friend, so use it.
  4. You either throw yourself at others, virtually begging to tie, or you lack any confidence to approach people at all. Either way, you’ve not established how to communicate with people effectively. You want people to sympathise with your crippling shyness or creepy “what-about-me?” advances, but again, that’s pretty distasteful. You’re forgetting we’re all real people trying to make connections. You need to take your time to build communication skills.
  5. New people often want a teacher or mentor to guide them through those early steps. Some rope people will take on that mentoring role and tie with you, but don’t assume it’s what all people want. You’ll make plenty of friends if you treat people respectfully and one may develop into something special, or not. You’re far better off reading around and having lots of conversations with people as friends to learn which way is up. Your education is your responsibility.
  6. You’re too caught up in your deeply held, long repressed fantasies. It’s great to have rope fantasies, but you still need to learn how to navigate them safely without causing harm to yourself and others. You need to learn how to distinguish between fantasy land and the reality of how rope is played out. You’ve seen or craved something for possibly years, but you are clueless on how they translate into reality. Talking to real people, as friends or at educational workshops, will give you the reality checks you need. Embrace reality checks!

So, SLOW DOWN, GET EDUCATED AND MAKE FRIENDS. And if you’re really lucky in 6-12 months time, someone might like you enough to tie with you. Or not, which is totally fine, too.

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